Steps

Baby steps with intentional direction

STEPS. Yes, we should try to take the stairs more often because we all know that the more we move, the better we will feel. I’ve never been one to track my steps through a wearable device, but on an average day in New York City, I know I’m getting in plenty. I walk around in these shoes often; they have been a staple of mine the past few years.

Since being back in Manhattan, I’ve found no shortage of ways to explore this city as I dive into my job search, but I’ve noticed my mind asking a question on repeat: what am I going to do next? This summer at the cottage, I didn’t think too much about it. I let myself be outside in nature, on the water, with family, reading books, and simply being. With that, energy, ideas, and softness found me again, and this summer held me in ways I didn’t know I needed. Now, upon returning to the city, I feel ready, eager, and excited to figure out more of what is next.

I admitted to myself last week (and a couple friends) that I’m also starting to feel antsy. Not antsy because I don’t know how to fill my time, but antsy because I realize that for the first time in my life, I don’t have the defined societal and social structures I used too. I knew this was coming, but now I’m starting to feel it and live it.

Growing up, it was the same public school system in my hometown (K-12) where there was stability through many sports, family meals and childhood friendships. College seamlessly continued that structure, and I felt it even more so as a Division I athlete. Then I catapulted into another five years of structure in a fast-paced corporate environment. Sure, I know how to build structure throughout my days now, but I don’t have the job or any school system to define that, and it doesn’t feel as easy as I thought it might to just step into what’s next.

I have to consciously remind myself that even though I don’t quite know what is next, I can take a step. How do I figure out what that step is? I guess for me it’s been by listening to what feels good, what I find interesting, what energizes me. If my next step is moving towards joy, towards the things that light me up, then maybe I’ll continue to head in a direction I’m excited about.

I am noticing how a job description makes me feel, whether the possible work motivates me, how I resonate with the company’s mission / vision or if I have to drag myself to write a cover letter and try to network for it. Other times the next step is just a meal that I tastes nourishing, rereading the lines in a book that move me, choosing a form of exercise that feels gentle. Living in a body that can actively move and take physical steps is something I really try not to take for granted.

Even with my writing, I am reminding myself to focus on intentional steps. I realize I need to carve out time for myself to be more consistent in my journaling, free-flow writing, Substack and book. Those small chunks of time will slowly turn into more words, more practice, more ideas. I’ve set a goal for myself to post more frequently with shorter pieces without feeling the need to sit on it for many days in effort to find the perfect ways to describe it. It is starting to feel less about what is perfect and more about taking action with a step that feels aligned to me.

I have to trust that all these baby steps will keep guiding me in the right direction. Because I’ve noticed when I do that, when I focus on the next step, I feel myself building a stronger foundation of aligned actions. I don’t think it always has to be about knowing exactly where we’re going, but taking steps with intentional direction and trusting they will lead us somewhere.

I am also trying to write in the middle of really sorting through what’s next — instead of waiting until after where I can shout “look where this all led me.” I’ll only be able to look back in hindsight on how all these steps added up. And all the while, I am deeply enjoying these days; I wished for them, and I know I won’t have time like this again. This time has been reminding me of the phrase: “enjoy being in the process of becoming.” I am allowing myself to also be as this season unfolds.

So, here I am still waiting, sitting deeply in the in-between hoping / trusting / praying these steps lead me somewhere. Somedays all we can do is keep taking baby steps with intention, walking towards more love. Oh and of course, I can’t wait to watch my future kids take their first steps one day!

Book Recommendation:

The Bright Years by Sarah Damoff. This was not on my TBR list for the summer, rather it caught my eye in the bookstore, and I absolutely devoured it. The story centers around addiction among a family in Texas across four generations and the way the actions of one deeply shape the lives of the others. Told from the point of view of each family member, it hurts your heart and puts it back together — reminding us that “love is worth the risk of losing it.”